I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
