What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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