My underwear smells like fireworks.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
