I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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