my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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