If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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