Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
