i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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