Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
