i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
