I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
