so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
