I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
In America we eat man semen.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
