everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
