I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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