I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
