get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just high enough for therapy.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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