My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
