Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Success! We fucked roommates!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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