cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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