I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
