I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
