There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
