Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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