Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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