Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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