The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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