I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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