One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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