It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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