The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
