I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
