We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
