My liver just broke up with me...
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
