If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
