Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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