from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
