Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
