69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
