she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
