last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
