i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I puked a lego.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
