you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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