Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
