Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Im at strip club and am horny
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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