I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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