Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
