The maid of honor just puked.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
