i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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