I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
